I just wanna talk about something I've been dealing with for a while, and will probably be dealing with until the day I die. We've been going over this at GSM, and it's pretty well summed up by Paul in Romans 7.
What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
In my head, I think: 'I would never do anything like that, it's so wrong!' But then I find myself doing those very things!! Obviously I need to delve into God's word more, to get a better hold on what's right and wrong!
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
What is up with me?! I want to live full out for Christ Jesus, but for some reason right as I decide to live for him, I go and sin again! Why can I not live completely for Him?
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I really do want to live for Him!! My heart is committed to Him! But some part of my heart waits til I get alone with my thoughts, with no one to keep me accountable, and pounces, and I'm caught.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
Anyone? Obviously I'm never gonna be able to stop on my own; I've been trying that for far too long, with far too few results. And talking to another person helps, but it doesn't take it all away, it just lessens it. I need supernatural help!!!
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
God I need You! If not for Your Son Jesus, I would have no hope of fighting these demons! I need to somehow align ALL of my heart to yours! I need You LORD.
